The Next Heaven is Hell
by Nstorm
Summary: Cloud sold the Seventh Heaven, or whatever it's called. Tifa forced him to work at the new shop Aerith bought. And the shop is anything but normal. Why do I come up with these ideas?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 We still think that this is a bad idea even though it seems like a good one

Once Cloud found the results out he knew he was screwed. Of course nobody else knew, but him. Well maybe Tifa but there's no telling what she could do. He thinks she has a death wish ever since he accidently slept with a girl. Zack's girl. Zack was pretty cool about it, but it was because Tifa was the devil in a woman's body. And now her fury will be unleashed. What did he do? Well he sold the Seventh Heaven. He didn't mean to. He was filling out a survey, so he could get something for Tifa. Little did he know that the ten thousand Gil would be earned by selling the place. Sadly, he can't get it back due to the fact Yuffie became the owner of the shop. She wants Cloud to go out with her, but Cloud is way too old. Aerith is doing fine, and so is Zack. But poor Cloud will never be the same. It's time for a change.

Cloud goes to the agent.

Tifa finally got the shoes she wanted. Although she will use them to beat Cloud when he gets out of line. Sometimes he needs some sense knocked into him. Especially after he got in the bed with Aerith, who was drunk. In his defense he thought Aerith was Tifa. And she laughed then beat his ass. She'll admit to herself that she likes Cloud, but will never admit it to anyone else.

Anyway, she is on her way back home. She stops in front of the shop when she sees a note on the door. She puts down her bags and looks at the note.

_Dear Tifa, the sweetest and most beautiful woman alive, _

She'll give him that, at least.

_Okay take a deep breath and go to your happy place. I got enough money to buy you whatever you want._

Tifa begins to smile, but remembers there's always a but and a catch.

_But there's a catch. You see I filled out a survey to get ten thousand Gil. Here's the catch: the Seventh Heaven, our home and business, had to be sold._

Tifa doesn't understand. They can buy it back.

_And the person who bought it is Yuffie_

_Love, your friend that you love the most in the world, Cloud_

_P.S. Don't try to find me I ran away._

"CLOUD!" Tifa shouts her bag in her hand as she runs to find Cloud.

"Cloud I think you're an idiot," Zack says as Aerith is on the computer.

"Because I sold the shop to Yuffie?" Cloud asks.

"No, the fact that you got in bed with Aerith," Zack says," I mean I almost got into the bed with Tifa, but she kicked me out of bed."

"I wish you didn't," Aerith mutters as Tifa breaks down the apartment door.

"SHIT!" Cloud shouts jumping from where he is standing to the couch on the other side of the room.

"Tifa!" Zack says as Tifa walks about five feet in." Are you calm?"

"Oh I'm not mad," Tifa says calmly as the two men sigh in relief." I'M FURIOUS!"

Tifa takes the knife out of her back pocket, holds it above her head in a murderous manner, and walks up to Zack. Zack steps backwards as Cloud hides behind Zack, The black spikey man waves his hands in Zack front of his body, as if he is trying to tell her to stop.

"N-now Tifa," stutters," you said you weren't mad."

"Never ask a woman that question," Aerith says a little too late in his life," assume that when we come in we're usually mad."

"HOW!? WHY!?" Tifa shouts waving the knife at Zack.

"I didn't know!" Cloud shouts.

"BULLSHIT!" Tifa shouts," how do you not read as you're doing something!?"

"Be Cloud," Zack says shrugging.

"Shut up Zack," Aerith advises.

"Anyway I'm working on a situation," Cloud says.

"Does it involve going out with Yuffie because I'll kill you if you do," Tifa says.

"And we have a feeling you would. So that's why she's looking for another place to stay."

"ANOTHER PLACE!?" Tifa shouts.

"Yes Tifa, Cloud can't go out with Yuffie due to the fact that it's wrong ,and he could get arrested. Remember what Marlene did when Cloud pissed her off?" Aerith says.

"Don't remind us," The three sigh annoyed.

And now begins another story.

**A.U Note: Yep another one of my annoying stories. I don't know why people read them. Maybe because people find me funny in some way. And I just flamed myself because there are a lot of grammatical errors. Anyway enjoy and review. Always looking to improve.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 The Clofia Shop

Due to the fact that Tifa nearly bet the living crap out of Cloud, Cloud decides to go see the seller. It is none other than Sephorith himself, who is in business attire.

"Sephorith!?" Cloud gasps reaching for an invisible gun.

"Cloud my little false hero," Sephorith says," you think that I'm here to cause another fight right?" 

"Well, that's what I'm thinking," Cloud replies.

"Well I met a girl," Sephorith admits as Cloud's eyes become big.

"A-a G-girl!?" Cloud gasps as Sephorith rolls his eyes.

"Yes you incompetent, stuttering monkey," Sephorith says," Anyway, I have no doubt that you are here to discuss ownership of my little shop."

"Sephorith get to the point," Cloud sighs.

"Due to the fact that my girl-" He pauses to let Cloud become confused again." Doesn't like the fact that I have a shop, and I don't spend a lot of time with her, so I'm selling it. But there are a couple of things you should know. One, there is a moan heard from the sink when it rains. Two, for some odd reason an even worse version of Chris Brown shows up. If that's possible. And finally Rebecca Black plays when it's Friday. There are many other things wrong with it, but I still hate you."

Sephorith's cell phone rings as he answers it." Hello? Yeah? Yeah? Uh-huh. Yeah? Yeah?" He moves the speaker end away from him." Okay, I'll tell you the address after I drop my girl off at her parent's place."

TIFA!" Cloud shouts banging on Zack and Aerith's home." LET ME IN!"

"I'll let you in once we GET ANOTHER SHOP AND HOME!" Tifa shouts reading a magazine.

"I SAID I WAS SORRY!" Cloud shouts.

"Sorry doesn't cut it, Cloud!" Tifa shouts." Do you know how much MEMORIES that shop held!?"

Cloud thinks of a memory, but all he remembers is Zack banging his head on the door. He was trying to make an entrance and instead head-butted the door like a goat.

"One?" Cloud says although it comes out more like a question.

"LOTS!" Tifa shouts." I remember all of them!"  
"Name one then!"

Tifa thinks of a memory but remembers Aerith's wardrobe malfunction. Apparently, a part of her robe fell apart revealing a part that we shall not tell. To help cover up her embarrassment, Tifa knocked out every guy in the bar.

"Well, there are so many that I can't even name one!"

Cloud sighs as someone taps his shoulder. He turns around quickly, taking a right hook at whoever touched him. The figure sweeps his legs from him, and as he flips on his back, Cloud catches the sight of a familiar robe and black boots.

"What the hell Sephorith!?" Cloud moans as the fallen angel laughs.

"You expect me not to react to an attack?" Sephorith scoffs moving a strand of hair from his eyes." I thought I knew you better than that, Cloud."

Cloud gets up while sighing in annoyance." Anyway, what do you want?"

"You," Sephorith says making Cloud look at him as if he's an alien." To help me with my girl problems."

"Oh," Cloud says then remembers his problem." Aren't you supposed to help me with my shop problem?"

Sephorith thrusts a chain of keys in his chest, and Cloud takes them, a little hasty.

"Now help me with my problems!" Sephorith commands with his sword at Cloud's neck.

Cloud moves the blade away from his neck, rather calmly." Look, I have one problem to deal with, so once I get this problem done I'll help you."

"You better," Sephorith warns vanishing.

Cloud blinks twice then begins to go in the apartment. When he turns the doorknob he realizes he is still locked out.

"TIFA!" Cloud shouts.

"SHUT UP CLOUD!" Tifa shouts.

"Cloud where are you taking me?" Tifa asks as Cloud leads her through the streets of Midgar blindfolded.

"It's a surprise, babe!" Cloud shouts.

"First, I am not your babe. Second, I will not make you a sandwich!" Tifa shouts.

Cloud leads her straight into a sign.

"OW!" Tifa shouts." Watch where you're going!"

Tifa punches the sign, sending it flying down the street. It hits Reno who happens to walk by, stumbling into its path.

"Sorry Reno!" Cloud calls as they continue.

Cloud eventually leads her to the shop, which looks more like a house than a shop.

"Take it off!" Cloud shouts as Tifa blushes.

"Cloud I don't think this is the place to take my top off," Tifa says.

"Your blindfold," Cloud elaborates as Tifa takes off her blind fold.

Tifa's eyes become filled with happiness.

"You got the Seventh Heaven back!?" Tifa gasps.

"Well, it's just another shop," Cloud says.

"Oh," Tifa says as Cloud hands her the keys.

Tifa goes to unlock the door, and is astonished by what it looks like.

"Cloud?" Tifa asks going inside to inspect it further." Did you buy a night bar mixed with a restaurant from the 80's mixed with the modern day era?"

Cloud looks inside, and shrugs.

"Meh,it's okay Doc," Bugs Bunny says appearing behind him.

The rabbit quickly walks away as Cloud turns his head.

"Okay, Cloud, it's time to talk about positions," Tifa says as Cloud puts a McDonald's bag on the table she is sitting at.

"Can we eat first?" Cloud asks sitting down and beginning to open the bag.

"It'll be fast, I promise," Tifa says as Cloud closes the bag." Anyway, what should we name the shop? I'm thinking Tifa+Cloud's Fantastic Bar by night, restaurant by day. Or does that seem too long?"

"Kinda long," Cloud says," but not as long as my hunger."

"You'll eat soon, I promise," Tifa says." And then there's Tifa's Fantastic Bastaurant- which is a bar and a restaurant in one. Too confusing?" 

"Too odd," Cloud says rubbing his stomach," sounds like Zack came up with the name. But even he gets good ideas on an empty stomach."

"Let's finish this first, kay?" Tifa asks as Cloud sighs, leaning back in his seat." Then I have The Tenth Sex."

"Okay, that sounds like a strip club, as if we don't have enough as it is. A club sounds good to me right now."

Tifa slams her hand on the table, but the table is like steel." It's all about you, Cloud. Cloud needs this! and Cloud wants that! I have needs too you know!? Just because you were the star in the game, numerous times, does not mean you are better than everyone else!"

Cloud blinks twice." Why not combine both of our names? I mean since we're partners we could just use both our names in a combined method."

Tifa blinks twice." Cloud you're a genius!" 

"Great now excuse me while I eat my Big Mac."

Cloud opens his bag, taking his big Mac out, while Tifa thinks about what to do with their shop.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 Cloud the slave

Cloud woke up on his bed, upstairs in the Clofia shop. He smelled bacon. He also lokks at the clock by his nightstand, which says it's three am.

_Bacon at three in the morning?_ Cloud thinks getting out of bed in his boxers, and going downstairs.

He walks downstairs to find Tifa placing bacon on one of th plates at one of the tables. On both plates are bacon, eggs, pancakes, grits( Tifa insisted that Barret would come and asks for a whole pot of grits) , and French Toast. Cloud quickly sits at the table thanking god that Tifa is not a demon.

"Eat up Cloud!" Tifa shouts happily going to the kitchen to put the pan in the sink." We have a long day ahead of us!"

"Why?" Cloud asks through a mouthful of watery pancakes.

"Because it's our grand opening, silly!" Tifa says teasingly as she sits at the table.

"We?" Cloud asks as Tifa stares at him.

"It's like you said we're a partnership!" Tifa says grabbing the knife and her fork.

"Oh, I was just going to handle deliveries," Cloud says as Tifa puts down her utensils.

"What?" Tifa asks as Cloud looks at her.

"Yeah, I handle deliveries and you handle the shop," Cloud replies eating his eggs," like last time. And I'm in love with these eggs! What's your secret?"

"I mix in the ashes of th men I burn," Tifa growls as Cloud loses his appetite," like you."

"Is it because what I said?" Cloud asks.

"Is it what said?" Tifa asks mimicking Cloud." Of course it's what you said!

"Tifa we decided that I handle delvires, while you stay here, using your breasts and body to attract customers. Give them something to come-"

"Is that what you think of me as!?" Tifa shouts getting up while slamming her hands on the table." A sex symbol!?"  
"Well I'd be lying if I said I didn't."

_One long comma and three hours later..._

"Some man you are Cloud," Sephorith laughs sitting on one of the stools at the counter.

"Shut up, and why are you here!?" Cloud shouts as Tifa comes out in a sexy outfit with a whip in her hands.

"CLOUD!" Tifa shouts hitting him with the whip." GET TO WORKING!"

Sephorith gives him a look asking him what is going in. Cloud sighs.

And this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Cloud stands at the counter on a slow, slow, slow day. Of course It was the second day that the shop was opened, so he expected it. Just as he is about to fall alslepp a certain ninja pops up in front of the counter.

"Hey Cloud!" Yuffue chimes as Cloud rolls his eyes.

"Don't pretend as if you're innocent!" Cloud exclaims.

"So what I sold the Seventh Heaven, but I only did it to get you away from that crazy Dyke," Yuffie says.

"I'll admit she's crazy, but she's not a Dyke," Cloud defends as Yuffie rolls her eyes.

"Why do you stay with her anyway Cloud?" Yuffie asks sitting on the counter." I mean, all she does is beat you up like a punching bag."

"Even though she hates my guts, sometimes, she's a childhood friend," Cloud replies.'" That and I can't leave her by herself. The fan boys are crazier than the fan girls."

"What you think they'll do? Rape her?"

"She's a heavy sleeper, so yeah."

Yuffie sighs." Why are you interested in older woman anyway?" She lies on her back on the counter." I mean they're all old and stiff."

"Tifa's not _that_ old. At least I don't think so. She never tells me her age."

"I'll tell you _my _ age."

Cloud looks at her confused." I know how old you are, Yuffie, and that is why I won't go out with you. You're too old for me."

"But age is just a number, Cloud."

"And jail is just a room. Plus Tifa would kill me before I went to jail."

Yuffi hears footsteps." You wanna bet spiky?"

Yuffie grabs Cloud's hand, and places it on her breasts. Then she lets out a loud moan as Tifa walks in on the false scene.

"CRAP!" Cloud shouts quickly running away.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU CLOUD!"

Yuffie, being proved right, walks out of the shop to devise a plan.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"CLOUD!" Tifa shouts upstairs," START WORKING!"

"Tifa there's nothing to do!" Cloud shouts.

Just then, as if on cue, Donald from _Kingdom Hearts _and one of Nstorm's own fanfics, walks in.

"How's it going Cloud?" Donald asks going to sit at one of the stools.

"Not that good," Cloud replies," Tifa won't stop bitching."

"That's too bad," Donald replies.

"What about you?" Cloud asks.

"Same old, same old waiting for the next Kingdom Hearts to come out," Donald replies." Anyway, what do you serve here?"

"TIFA!" Cloud shouts.

"WHATEVER IS IN THERE CLOUD!" Tifa shouts." I'M STILL WORKING ON THE MENU BOARD!"

"Just give me a cheeseburger," Donald says as Cloud goes to the kitchen.

In about ten minutes flat Cloud gives Donald a bag that has a cheeseburger in it. Donald hands him five dollars.

"Thanks Cloud," Donald says waving then gets out of his seat," see you later!"

Cloud sighs receiving his first few milestones.

.


End file.
